Q's, A's and Be's

One of the more common themes in my life, at least in the last few years to be sure, is the wiry threads of self-analysis I constantly sew into my life's wanderings. I'm always looking, thinking, wondering and considering.

Where do I want to go or where will that lead me? Why do I want that? Is that what I really want? Is it worth it? What if things change? When will they change? How will I deal with, create or supplant the change? This, as you can see, can be quite exhausting. At times my stream of consciousness flows through me like a river raging with the spring thaw. At times I feel a very real fear that I may drown.

Anybody who reads this blog with any regularity can easily point to the fact that I don't live in the moment very well. It is something I am very aware of, yet easily lose control of- it's like swinging at a pitch thrown right down the pipe with a baseball bat covered in Vaseline. I'm always looking to the next hill as soon as I get to the top of the one I'm on. Sometimes the hills turn into mountains. Sometimes the mountains seem impassable.

Somebody told me the other day, after reading one of my articles in a local magazine, that I missed my calling. Did I miss it? Am I not a writer if they have read my writing? I've failed at all my relationships with the opposite sex and have no real interest in one at the moment or a journey into marriage. Did I miss it? Have I missed what's out there for me already? I'm only 32. Is it over so soon? How come nobody told me until just the other day? How come I don't believe it?

I have so many fears and so many desires. I have this irrepressible need to DO SOMETHING but I can be the first to tell you that I have no fucking idea what that something is. All my more elaborate writing plans are struck down at the gates by those that hold the keys. How can somebody tolerate living with me when I don't even like living with me all the time? What about children? Am I somebody these children I might one day have could look up to or should look down upon? I am not innocent and I have more questions than I do answers. Plus, the answers I've accumulated I'm not even sure are correct. They seem rational and made up of common sense but I'm only seeing such perspective through one viewpoint- my own.

I feel like I'm always striving. For what? I feel like my thoughts cause me undue suffering at times. Why? I have many days where I can feel lost and found in the same twenty-four hour period. How? Some days my strides are full of purpose and nothing can stop me. Sometimes I stutter step around the house unable to even decide where I want to eat. Where am I going? Some days I know who I am- exactly- and other days I have no idea who this person in the mirror is that stares back at me. Who am I and who am I meant to be? Are they the same yet? Will they ever be?

My world is gray and not without sunshine or rain. But it seems that the truth which exists in black and white is few and far between as I analyze my steps, my path and my direction. I try to be honest but I still lie. Honestly I am confused. Honestly I have hope. Honestly I don't know if I can keep such complicated things simple. And I'm not lying either when I tell you that I must try.

Maybe one day I might be able to settle into who I am. Will I be comfortable with being uncomfortable? What will I do then? (And the self-analysis goes on...)

I can tell you that I will never stop trying to better myself and to that end my curse and my success might be as one. Is it possible to turn my chaos into my peace? I think it's possible. Because I don't believe any mountain is impassable.

Comments

[Patti]

You think too much. Life IS simple if you allow it to be. What IF?
1. Your parents waited to be sure everything was correct before marriage or children? You still wouldn't be here.
2. Job selection was a constant? You would have lived all your life in the same place with parents who only had one job. Did that happen?
3. Life was easy? If life were easy and guaranteed, everyone would be "happy" all the time. But without the contrast of unhappy, what a dull thing happy would be.
Simplicity isn't in the world, but in your perception of the world around you. Nothing is guaranteed, not even hot coffee at McDonald's.
Okay, one thing is guaranteed. I will love you forever, but that is a simple choice I made decades ago, before you were even born.

[Craig]

ha. thanks for my one constant...