I'm sitting here, staring at this blinking cursor, and nothing comes to me. Well, that's not exactly true. Plenty of ideas stroll through my mind. I just don't feel like committing to any at the moment.
The truth is, I'm still kind of tired. (I say "still kind of" because if any of you read my last post I believe I said I was tired then too. Maybe I didn't. I'm too tired to look it up.) I find myself asking a question when it comes to this blog quite often anymore. I find myself wondering, "What's the point?"
Now, I know the point. I write this as more of a journal than anything else. A record of events, thoughts, musing and sometimes (at least for me) an epiphany or two. But, I'm tired of finding something to understand in the things that baffle for the moment. Because, to be honest, plenty of things baffle me.
I guess I could tell you a story, but I don't have any good ones lately. I guess I could comment on any of the myriad topics in the news that I find intriguing, but I don't feel like transcribing my research to validate both accuracy and message. After all... what's the point? Who's listening? Who cares out there but my mother? (She's the only one that reads this blog with any regularity.)
But Craig, you say, don't you supposedly write this for yourself? Why do you write for yourself in a public forum?
Well, I reply, I write in a public forum because typing is easier that actually writing with a pen in my journal. And, maybe, just sometimes, these words might find the right ears and make something clearer for someone. Maybe. It's a small difference. But it's a difference nonetheless. Making a difference is nice. Even a small one.
But that is merely the idealist in me.
The truth is, things are changing for me. I am on the verge of bankruptcy. Everything I worked toward in my twenties is most likely going to be taken from me relatively soon. Everything. I've made peace with that, it's just stuff. It's the feelings of failure that are hard to stomach.
I look around and find myself wondering how things got so upside down. I can point to hundred things I did wrong. But, what's the point? It won't change anything. Hopefully, I just won't repeat the same mistakes twice. I took a risk and failed. I have no remorse. Just a longing need to prove to myself that I can do it, if only I did it smarter.
Somebody said they'd pray for me the other day. It's a nice sentiment, but it doesn't mean much to me. It's not that I blame God for anything, it's just that I'm not sure he exists at all. I believe religion is the greatest trick the devil ever pulled, if there is such a beast. Using God to get people to fight one another on massive scales... brilliant marketing dark lord. Then again, maybe it's just a few shitty people who found this loophole and were able to convince the masses.
I grew up Catholic. I touch a god more so when I surf or when I'm around the kids in my life than I ever have in church. My church is different now. My god is different. I never pray. But man, I do give thanks for my time in this world. It can be such a wondrous place, even when it's shitty.
I don't need prayers, "prayers" sound a lot like "pity", and I know of no greater insult. I'm accountable for who I am and I'm okay with it. If you'd like to help me, just bear with me while I figure this shit out on my own. And be honest with me when I ask you a question. That's all I need.
On a global scale it seem that so many horrible things are happening all the time. That's what sells papers: horrible things. A lot of people are walking around asking, what's the point?
My point is that while hundreds of thousands of people die in wars and genocide or because of AIDS and, even in this day and age, malaria; while the world's ice caps melt and the oceans could rise 25 feet in the next 50 years; while gas prices keep rising, people keep paying and gas companies keep making record profits; while credit gets crunched and people go bankrupt; it still only takes a tiny story of kindness, or hugging a child, or going surfing to restore that tentative faith in humanity.
There's no money in it. But that's why it's priceless.
What's the point? Well, that's simple, in a complicated sort of way. Like John Travolta said in Pulp Fiction, "It's the little differences." Those are the ones that leave the biggest impacts.