As the inevitability of my bankruptcy draws closer I find myself worrying about it less and less. In fact, as time as gone on I have begun to appreciate it, as weird as that sounds. Bankruptcy has helped me refocus my life and has enabled me to realize what is truly important.
I find myself, for the first time in a long time, oddly at peace with my place in the world right now. It used to be anger that drove me to want to succeed, now... well, something else drives me I just can't quite put a finger on right now.
I still work just as hard as I ever have to achieve my aspirations but something else is pushing me; something much, much lighter than rage. Much healthier. I just have no idea what to call it at the moment.
I have moved in with my girlfriend, my brother is getting married in less than a week, writing work is steady (for the moment) and I keep feeling the pull of new opportunity with every bend in the road. I've begun taking more risks. Not major ones, mind you. But little challenges that continue to break the bleak monotony I have felt for so long. At times where I would have said no before, I find myself saying, okay. Tiny little things everyday that break me out of my box have given me the confidence, the courage and the desire to go bigger.
In an effort to bolster my credibility and my knowledge with a current book idea I have looked into becoming an ISSA certified personal trainer. (Plus, with all the people I seem to be helping in the gym these days I find myself continually wanting to make sure that I'm not hurting them more than helping them.) Once a few writing checks clear, I'll re-invest in myself and get my PT license.
I keep looking for a way to learn Spanish without dropping some heavy coin (which I don't have) on Rosetta Stone. My guitar keeps begging me to restring it with the strings I bought a month ago and finally learn at least one song. (I'm thinking The Stones, "You Can't Always Get What You Want...) Business ideas slosh through my head like water in a washing machine and the path is quietly revealing itself as time wears on (and smells really clean).
For a long time I felt resignation. Like things were ending. Now I feel like things are just beginning. I hope it lasts. I feel like this time, finally, this pleasant wave I'm on has legs. Things just feel different.
All the lessons so far have put me on this ride of a lifetime. We shall see...
I believe that great Alabama bus stop philosopher, Forrest Gump, had it right when he spoke of the long pondered intricacies of destiny. Do we control our fate or does fate control us? "Both," said Gump. "I think maybe both is happening at the same time."
Sometimes, when we finally stop, truly pay attention, actually listen and really breathe, things get really, really simple.
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